dear the boy,

there are many things i'd like to tell you, but since we are in the infancy of our dating-ness i have decided i will write you a letter that you may or may not ever get.

i wish that you would call me. i hate waiting, and i hate even more waiting to know how someone feels about me. even if you aren't sure about how you feel about me, a simple phone call would be harmless AND make me feel great. plus, i like talking to you. you make me laugh.

i wish you'd go ahead already and hold my hand. i hate making the first move, and while i know you're not great at it either, i guarentee you that if you make a move, i'll respond favorably.

seconding the previous thought, i wish you'd kiss me. i've initiaited every kiss so far, and while you don't run away screaming, it makes me wonder why you haven't made the move. you are a fantastic kisser. i won't run away; i won't say no.

i wish you had invited me to see star wars with you and your friends. i know it can be a potentially weird and awkward time, what with friends meeting a new girl of some sort. but i would have really loved to go, especially with a group of neat people who are excited to see it as well. i could have played it very cool and been very non-girlfriendish if that was the way to go. not that i think we're being very girl/boy-friendish at the moment... see above "i wish you'd go ahead already and hold my hand...."

i wish you would tell me that you like me. or give me some sort of indication what your feelings are for me. i hate living in limbo. i'm no good at it. i need to know, even if it's a very far off time, when i'll see you next. i also need to know, even if it's an "i'm not sure, but i think you're cool," what you think of me.

next time you come over, i wish you'd bring Cathedral, so i can learn it, and beat you.

and i wish the next time you came over was monday night, after work. i'd make you dinner, and we could talk and play games and you could kiss me goodnight. and then call me on the way home, and tell me a funny joke, and ask if we could get together again this weekend.

and i would say yes, i'd love to.

--

craptastic

today is cloudy and cold. and i'm depressed.

yesterday the boy came over and we walked into rockville and had california tortilla and ben & jerry's. it was good, and we had good conversation.
there was that weird awkwardness of not holding hands, but, at least, in my head, thinking we should.
i did try to pinch/tickle him in ben & jerry's, and we stood thisclose, but nothing.
although there was some good kissing when we got back to my house.
we played Guillotine and sat on the couch.
i had to go to hang out with the kid, and it kinda sucked. i wanted to stay with the boy, but i also knew i needed to go be with the kid, and i wanted to be with her too. and he's very busy for the next forever so i have no idea when we'll see each other again.
so this prompts many questions:
is he really that busy? or, is he not interested in me, but maybe going along?
he seems to be not great in making moves, although, when i start, he goes along... so, is he not great at the physical, or, again, is he going along for lack of ability to do anything else?

we left it at he would check his schedule and call me. but, as we all know,
i hate waiting.

so yesterday i was pretty high, and today i'm pretty low.
i hate the unpredictability of the swings.

and when i get this way, i get into a "i don't want to see anyone or do anything" mood. which can be dangerous, because i often feel better by going out and doing things and seeing people. but since i don't want to, i don't, and i get stuck in the low.

i was out running errands and i went past the boy's work. i stopped and left a cute little note on his windshield. it was cute, and not crazy, and i hope it brightens his day.
i think i might do just about anything to see him... i think he's something special and wonderful.
i really hope i don't screw it up. i'm very good at that.
--

waiting

i hate waiting.

i'm waiting for the boy to call so we can do things today. I thought we'd get started much earlier, like around noon.
but, he still hasn't called. i called him around 10:30a as i was leaving gw.

i hate waiting.

everything went very well at GW, though. i talked with the advisor. all my ducks are lined up, i'm all ready to graduate in august. finally. i have one last class to take, my comprehensives, the praxis and filing for the certificate. now i just have to wait for everything to sort of happen.

i hate waiting.
--

finally

so i seem to have figured out how to put a banner for firefox at the bottom of my postings. it looks cool. but i wanted to put "this blog powered by firefox!"
oh well. perhaps I'll figure it out later in life.

the orthopedist was fun. he said he saw no narrowing of the space between L4 & L5. He prescribed a different anti-inflammatory (the previous one was making me sick). he also gave me a gentle muscle relaxer. we'll see how it all goes. i'm not sure if i need the muscle relaxer, but it'd be nice to have it on hand for when my back does decide to go crazy.

i tried to start a dress for the friends wedding in june. i need fabric for lining. i need interfacing. i need patience.

and now it's off to bed.

my spine...

... in an envelope. waiting for the orthopedist.

getting better all the time

today is a much better day.

I saw the psychiatrist yesterday (sort of an emergency thing), and while it wasn't particularly helpful, she did help calm my nerves, and talk some things out. which, i think, is all i really needed to do. just, in the case of most of my angry-ness, there is no one i can talk to. most of it is confidential, most of it is things i'd rather not talk to other people about, and i haven't told my friends about the boy.

i don't know why i haven't told the friends about the boy. perhaps to not jinx it? except that i've told lots of other people. the pastor, the boss, the kid, the newsletter writer. hmmmm.

so the boy did call last night. he was having an especially crappy time at work the past few days, which would explain why he has not called. we are going to do something fun on thursday day. which, i'll admit, is weird. going on a date during the day is weird for me. but, he is busy, and he is making time to spend time with me, so i need to get over the weirdness and enjoy his lovely lips.

after he called, i realized i felt so much better. i hate that so much emphasis goes into the validation of my existence from another person. but, somehow, knowing that someone out there is interested enough to call back, and to carve out time to see me, makes me feel worthy, or wanted, or validated, or something. i was able to sleep better last night, i was able to enjoy some breakfast this morning. i'm able to calm the crap down, and enjoy my new freedom in life.

and today it is sunny and warm. tanktops, shorts and flip flops warm. that always makes the world a better place.

i am going to see the orthopedist this afternoon. my spine is apparently curved or something, and the space between my L4 & L5 is narrowing. who knows what that means, but my doctor wants me to see the orthopedist soon. which is today.

sometimes...

...when the world is crap, you have to look harder to find the beauty that is right at your front door.

angry

i am SO angry.

and when i get angry i revert to the old self i don't like very much. i'm rude, i curse like a sailor, i cut people off in traffic etc...

the thing is... i don't know how to fix this angryness. normally, i can talk it out, and get over it, but this time... it's almost un-explainable as to how the anger got so out of control. and it's much more angry than i usually get.

i came home from dinner with my mom (for mom's day), just now. it started in the car. I started crying as i pulled into the driveway. i got it controlled and came inside.
and then it really started. out of control sobbing. i laid down on the bed and cried so hard. i can't remember crying so hard that it hurt me physically. i feel like i might throw up.

and this is why this anger scares me. whenever i'm alone, and sometimes in public, the anger boils up, and i feel so out of control, that i just start crying.
i'm angry that the boy hasn't called.
i'm angry that my dad isn't here.
i'm angry that noone made a big deal out of me completing my student teaching.
i'm angry that my two best friends are moving to california.
i'm angry that i'm 27 and i'm completly alone.
i'm angry that i'm sick all the time.
i'm angry that my bestest friend lives a million miles away, and right when i really could use her love and hugs and talking and her smile, i can't get it.

i'm so angry that parents hurt kids so badly.

and i'm so angry that all of this anger has taken over me, and i can't control it.
i can't pray. i get out "oh, God," and then i just start crying.
i can't hear God in all of this, since i'm sobbing.

i feel like i'm so alone.