hmpf

today was such a hard day. my last day of student teaching, dealing with much kid issues from thursday, it was cloudy and cold, and i was still waiting for the boy to call.

my 6th graders made me the cutest card, and we had a party, and they all didn't want me to leave.
i'm so bad with goodbyes, and it was hard to keep it all together, but i did. i am happy to be done with it, the largest and hardest part of the teacher credentialing process, but i will miss those 22 kids.

a huge kid issue came up yesterday, and it's very painful and it weighs on my shoulders so much. i couldn't stop crying yesterday afternoon. and today, as i was driving in the car, or sitting somewhere, the tears would just well up. it's just too much this time. it's so incredible to imagine the amount of pain kids today are dealing with. i'm happy to share in this kid's pain, i'm happy to help carry the burden, but it's hard. and i'm not sure when it will be easier.

and, of course, it was cloudy and cold today, which didn't help with my mood at all. i can't wait for it to be real spring weather. sunshine and warm breezes, flowers blooming, shorts and flip flops. that will make everything at least *seem* better.

and the boy. i called him yesterday. and he hasn't called back. but i'm sure it's because he's busy. at the basketball game tonight, and working yesterday and such.
of course, in my head, i'm being a girl and thinking he's just going to walk away like all the other ones. he seems wonderful and amazing, and we have a good time..... and then he walks away.
but i can't stop thinking about the amazing kiss, and the potential for gaming and movies that HE talked about.
who knows. boys are crazy. if i figured them out, i could make millions.

and give it all to the poor. :)

today

i was having that dumb boy-DD issue. the type of ADD where you find yourself staring out the window thinking about the 30 seconds of the date last night that makes your whole head spin.
i was trying to finish grading sketchbooks, and average out grades, and get ready for interims, but i just kept staring out the window with a dumb smile on my face.

you find yourself doing silly things, like practicing your name with his last name.

i haven't had this feeling in such a long time, and it feels so good. i hate that i'm reduced to this silliness. it seems like it's anti-feminist. but the feelings themselves are soooo good.

i was watching Sex and the City (I'm trying to catch up... i'm in season 4), and it was the episode where Big goes to Napa and Miranda gives birth (i heart ny-season 4)...
anyways... i found myself all teary eyed during the birth scene. i felt very strongly that i needed to have children. maybe not right then... but sometime in my life.
how could i not want that amazing experience of childbirth? it was so visceral (sp?). for the first time in a while, i felt like i saw something i wanted, something i needed, something i HAD to have. i haven't experienced that in a while either.

i've been so wrapped up in school and work, it seems like i haven't let myself experience anything. i'm glad it's done (almost). i'm realizing i have sacrificed so much of who i am, and who i want to be, to finish this program, to help out the kids, to do everything else but take care of myself.

hmmm.

i just...

...kissed a boy and my stomach is doing that thing where you feel the lips again and it flips.

i went to lunch with him on sunday, and dinner tonight. we came home to my house and walked around the neighborhood and then came downstairs and sat on my couch and talked for about 2 hours. he is just as much of a wimp as i am, so noone made a move.

until it was time to go at 1:30am. he was standing in the doorway, and i said i had a good time, and he said he had a good time and i said we should do it again, and he said definately, and i made the move to hug him and say good night.
we held each other for what seemed like forever. and i turned my head and kissed his neck. I said "I'm being a little bold..." and then he sort of leaned down and kissed me and his lips were big and soft and he kissed just right. not too much tongue, lots of lips, not pressure, just.... kissing.
and then he stopped and said "I suppose someone had to be bold, and I'm no good at it..." and we laughed and kissed some more. and we said good night a few times and kissed a few times more. and then torte (my cat) got out of the door and i had to grab her. and then we kissed one last time and he said have fun at Yoga tonight and i said have fun at gaming. and i gave him a quick peck and sent him on his way.

and he's smart, and cute, and wonderful. and there's almost no weirdness to him (other than the kind that I like). And he's such a geek, and it's so cute. and his political and social veiws are spot on with my veiws...
i haven't told anyone, cause i don't want to jinx it.
but i have to tell someone, or something. i have to put this energy out into the world for good use.