somehow

i have made it to friday.
spent tuesday night with the kid. we ate tacos and talked about life.
on wednesday i had a lovely lunch with the boss and we talked about confirmation class; what worked, what didn't etc...
yoga that night was awesome. it was our last class for this session, and we did a whole bunch of everything we had learned. we also did some prep work for an inverted pose. i was amazed that i was able to do as much as i did. i actually was inverted, using the wall, for a good 30 seconds twice. it turns out the prep work is much harder than the actual pose. i need to work on my upper body strength, mostly in my arms, so the prep will be a good stretch and tone for me.
then, the joy of joys, Star Wars.
all alone, i ventured out to the 12:01am showing. i had heard that it was the best of the new three, so my hopes were set high.
it rocked. as usual, the dialog was painful in places, but the eye candy and plot were tight. all the loose ends were tied up and there were nods to, not only the previous two, but the three to come. after the movie i came home to crash, but in the morning i watched episode 4. there was definately a good flow from each movie to the next, and aside from the fact the the special effects and fight scenes were SO different, it is an enjoyable twosome to watch.
Obi-Won and Darth fight in episode 3, and it's a flurry of light sabers, quick movements, flips and jumps. In episode 4 you could almost fall asleep the fighting action is so slow (in comparison).

so, we all know that Padme Amidala dies in the end. i knew it was coming. still, when i saw the funeral procession i couldn't help but cry. it suddenly occured to me that i might never be able to sit though a funeral again. if i was crying over this funeral, for this character, who is terribly developed and wasn't all that believable, what will happen to me when it's real?
perhaps, because of the profound sadness i carry with me, i will never be able to handle sad things without being deeply affected.
saw the psych yesterday as well. we talked about my general lack of motivation when i get depressed. that seems to be the biggest thing for me. a paralyzing sense of not wanting to do anything. in depression screening it's called "losing joy in things you normally love."
we agreed to up my meds a bit, and see how that helps.
the idea is that if i've got the emotions under control, the things that set it off won't hit as hard, and i'll be able to pull myself out and get back on with life.
the psych said something interesting. she noted that i didn't seem depressed. i seemed vibrant and alert and ok.
i told her that when i'm around people i often feel better, since being with people is what helps me to feel better. when i get depressed though, i get in the "i don't want to see anyone" phase which doesn't help.
so, i made a connection. perhaps what makes the depression worse is knowing that i am happy and vibrant and upbeat. i'm very happy to be alive. i love my life, mostly. so, why the heck am i depressed?
because it is so unexplainable, and so out of my control, it makes me feel more out of control. and then i feel worse for feeling bad, when i have nothing to feel bad about.

it's a complex thing, i suppose. i just can't let it control me.
--

dashboard jesus

that guides my car and rocks out.

listless

today i feel very listless. i don't want to do much of anything. much like yesterday and saturday, and friday, actually. i went to work and sat there. i left because i couldn't think of anything to do, and i really wanted to go home and take a nap. and now that i'm home, i'm not even taking a nap, cause i don't feel like that either.
i was going to listen to David Sedaris and play StarTropics, but even that doesn't perk my interest.

i'm better this week than last week. i've gone a whole week without a crying fit. and while the profound sadness that has crept its way into almost everything is still very much alive and present, i am finding myself able to function.
to enjoy lying in bed listening to the birds chirp.
to enjoy tasty sushi.
to enjoy a good movie.
to savor an afternoon nap as a joy, not an inevitability or a must.
to make it through a whole row of knitting.
to eat food for more than just nourishment.
to laugh at the world and smile at children.


i'm really starting to doubt my job at the church. i'm not sure if it's because of my faith, or lack, or because i can't handle the pain, or because i just don't enjoy it anymore.
i feel like it's time to move on. and i've got tons of offers from the school system on the table, which offer better pay, better hours, better benefits, and a lot less emotional baggage.
maybe that's what i need right now. maybe i'm not in a place where i can be much help to anyone else, since i'm doubting so much and in so much pain and carrying so much emotional baggage.

or maybe i just don't want to do anything.
--

woken

up from a cat nap

parents

in my job, i deal with lots of parents. most of them are wonderful and supportive and pour love out onto me. some are pains, some never help and some only find fault.

today the confirmands joined the church. all but three of them, actually. and that is fine. the point of the class is not necessarily TO join the church, but to explore one's faith and what it means for one to be a follower of Christ.
the kids did the whole service, and they did a great job.

after the service, as i'm floating on a cloud, and being so happy that it's done, and that they did such a great job, a fault-finding parent came up to me. i was in the middle of a conversation with another parent, but what does that matter?
the parent was quite "disappointed" and angry that nothing was being done to honor the confirmation class as a whole, that the only kids being recognized were the ones joining the church.
i was caught totally off guard, and had no response.
i thought she understood that confirmation, the actual process of being confirmed, was joining the church.
their child choosing not to join the church at this time, meant they weren't ready to be confirmed.

confirmation is the ceremony of confirming of the baptismal vows you take, or your parents take on your behalf. you are basically saying, i agree with what i said before (at my baptism), and i'm showing that by joining the church.
the class is a place for young people to explore issues of faith, to learn more about the church, and to make an informed decision about what they choose to believe.

some decide to join the church because that is the next step on their faith journey. some decide to wait. maybe they are struggling with big questions, maybe they don't feel like they have anything to give to the church, maybe they want to join a different church.

i asked this parent what they wanted to happen. they didn't offer any ideas, except some sort of recognition. as the teachers and planners of the class, we decided it would be better to not highlight the choice of some to not join, as they were sensitive about it, and didn't want attention drawn to themselves about their choice.
i wasn't about to put those other kids in the spotlight, and potentially chase them out of the church, merely because a PARENT (not the child, the parent) wanted some recognition for their child.

it sort of aggrevates me, because we run into the same problem we always have with parents. they want what they want, not what's best for their children (even though they may think it's what's best for their children).
i like to think that i always have the child's best interests at heart. sometimes parents are unable to see through their own desires to realize that what they want is not what their children want. it makes my job hard, it gives me an upset tummy, but, in my heart, i think i did the right thing.

i hope, at some point, the parent will realize this.
--