mistake
i woke up at 3:45am yesterday. totally awake. straight up in bed.
i played a round of solitaire, but that only woke me up even more. i decided i would go in and watch a movie or two and knit.
i watched Panic and Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. both were very good and made me think.
ended up falling asleep between 8 and 9am.
slept the whole day, right through to 5pm. missed my psych appointment. yikers.
got up, ate something although i wasn't hungry. just listless. stupid jet lag.
watched some tv and knitted some more.
took a vicodin for my back and leg, which have started to hurt from sitting up for 25 plus hours continuously. the pain never happens right after; it's on some sort of delay.
now it's 4am. i've taken a sonata to help me sleep. set the alarm for noon.
today was a big bunch of nothing. it felt good, but it also felt pretty miserable.
there is so much TO do, and i've done none of it.
the next boy called around noon, but i was asleep.
he's going to the sleep center tonight so i didn't call him, since i knew he'd be busy. also, though, i'm avoiding the conversation. i don't know what to say.
went out to okcupid and looked around.
surprised myself.
how can i look around when the smell from the dead body of the relationship hasn't even begun, since the relationship isn't dead?
i'm being so immature by not dealing with it.
i think it might be that all along i knew it wasn't right. i knew it wasn't good.
still i ignored it. and now that it is over, i hate to admit i was wrong to stick with it.
the next boy wants to stay friends, but i don't know if i can, in all good faith.
i'm not happy with how he is handling the break-up (like i'm one to talk); which leads me to have very little respect for him. and i'm not sure we've got enough in common to maintain a friendship.
of course, i did sleep with him. that has to mean something?
but sleeping with him was a mistake. of course, i can see that now.
going beyond a first date was a mistake.
talking to him again after the initial ooky-feeling conversation was a mistake.
you know what i want?
someone who doesn't feel ooky.
someone who won't feel like a giant mistake.
someone who listens and respects.
someone who understands.
or at least wants to try to.
--
i played a round of solitaire, but that only woke me up even more. i decided i would go in and watch a movie or two and knit.
i watched Panic and Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. both were very good and made me think.
ended up falling asleep between 8 and 9am.
slept the whole day, right through to 5pm. missed my psych appointment. yikers.
got up, ate something although i wasn't hungry. just listless. stupid jet lag.
watched some tv and knitted some more.
took a vicodin for my back and leg, which have started to hurt from sitting up for 25 plus hours continuously. the pain never happens right after; it's on some sort of delay.
now it's 4am. i've taken a sonata to help me sleep. set the alarm for noon.
today was a big bunch of nothing. it felt good, but it also felt pretty miserable.
there is so much TO do, and i've done none of it.
the next boy called around noon, but i was asleep.
he's going to the sleep center tonight so i didn't call him, since i knew he'd be busy. also, though, i'm avoiding the conversation. i don't know what to say.
went out to okcupid and looked around.
surprised myself.
how can i look around when the smell from the dead body of the relationship hasn't even begun, since the relationship isn't dead?
i'm being so immature by not dealing with it.
i think it might be that all along i knew it wasn't right. i knew it wasn't good.
still i ignored it. and now that it is over, i hate to admit i was wrong to stick with it.
the next boy wants to stay friends, but i don't know if i can, in all good faith.
i'm not happy with how he is handling the break-up (like i'm one to talk); which leads me to have very little respect for him. and i'm not sure we've got enough in common to maintain a friendship.
of course, i did sleep with him. that has to mean something?
but sleeping with him was a mistake. of course, i can see that now.
going beyond a first date was a mistake.
talking to him again after the initial ooky-feeling conversation was a mistake.
you know what i want?
someone who doesn't feel ooky.
someone who won't feel like a giant mistake.
someone who listens and respects.
someone who understands.
or at least wants to try to.
--
posted by Mrs. Lupo at 3:00 AM
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