somehow

i have made it to friday.
spent tuesday night with the kid. we ate tacos and talked about life.
on wednesday i had a lovely lunch with the boss and we talked about confirmation class; what worked, what didn't etc...
yoga that night was awesome. it was our last class for this session, and we did a whole bunch of everything we had learned. we also did some prep work for an inverted pose. i was amazed that i was able to do as much as i did. i actually was inverted, using the wall, for a good 30 seconds twice. it turns out the prep work is much harder than the actual pose. i need to work on my upper body strength, mostly in my arms, so the prep will be a good stretch and tone for me.
then, the joy of joys, Star Wars.
all alone, i ventured out to the 12:01am showing. i had heard that it was the best of the new three, so my hopes were set high.
it rocked. as usual, the dialog was painful in places, but the eye candy and plot were tight. all the loose ends were tied up and there were nods to, not only the previous two, but the three to come. after the movie i came home to crash, but in the morning i watched episode 4. there was definately a good flow from each movie to the next, and aside from the fact the the special effects and fight scenes were SO different, it is an enjoyable twosome to watch.
Obi-Won and Darth fight in episode 3, and it's a flurry of light sabers, quick movements, flips and jumps. In episode 4 you could almost fall asleep the fighting action is so slow (in comparison).

so, we all know that Padme Amidala dies in the end. i knew it was coming. still, when i saw the funeral procession i couldn't help but cry. it suddenly occured to me that i might never be able to sit though a funeral again. if i was crying over this funeral, for this character, who is terribly developed and wasn't all that believable, what will happen to me when it's real?
perhaps, because of the profound sadness i carry with me, i will never be able to handle sad things without being deeply affected.
saw the psych yesterday as well. we talked about my general lack of motivation when i get depressed. that seems to be the biggest thing for me. a paralyzing sense of not wanting to do anything. in depression screening it's called "losing joy in things you normally love."
we agreed to up my meds a bit, and see how that helps.
the idea is that if i've got the emotions under control, the things that set it off won't hit as hard, and i'll be able to pull myself out and get back on with life.
the psych said something interesting. she noted that i didn't seem depressed. i seemed vibrant and alert and ok.
i told her that when i'm around people i often feel better, since being with people is what helps me to feel better. when i get depressed though, i get in the "i don't want to see anyone" phase which doesn't help.
so, i made a connection. perhaps what makes the depression worse is knowing that i am happy and vibrant and upbeat. i'm very happy to be alive. i love my life, mostly. so, why the heck am i depressed?
because it is so unexplainable, and so out of my control, it makes me feel more out of control. and then i feel worse for feeling bad, when i have nothing to feel bad about.

it's a complex thing, i suppose. i just can't let it control me.
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