listless

today i feel very listless. i don't want to do much of anything. much like yesterday and saturday, and friday, actually. i went to work and sat there. i left because i couldn't think of anything to do, and i really wanted to go home and take a nap. and now that i'm home, i'm not even taking a nap, cause i don't feel like that either.
i was going to listen to David Sedaris and play StarTropics, but even that doesn't perk my interest.

i'm better this week than last week. i've gone a whole week without a crying fit. and while the profound sadness that has crept its way into almost everything is still very much alive and present, i am finding myself able to function.
to enjoy lying in bed listening to the birds chirp.
to enjoy tasty sushi.
to enjoy a good movie.
to savor an afternoon nap as a joy, not an inevitability or a must.
to make it through a whole row of knitting.
to eat food for more than just nourishment.
to laugh at the world and smile at children.


i'm really starting to doubt my job at the church. i'm not sure if it's because of my faith, or lack, or because i can't handle the pain, or because i just don't enjoy it anymore.
i feel like it's time to move on. and i've got tons of offers from the school system on the table, which offer better pay, better hours, better benefits, and a lot less emotional baggage.
maybe that's what i need right now. maybe i'm not in a place where i can be much help to anyone else, since i'm doubting so much and in so much pain and carrying so much emotional baggage.

or maybe i just don't want to do anything.
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