angry

i am SO angry.

and when i get angry i revert to the old self i don't like very much. i'm rude, i curse like a sailor, i cut people off in traffic etc...

the thing is... i don't know how to fix this angryness. normally, i can talk it out, and get over it, but this time... it's almost un-explainable as to how the anger got so out of control. and it's much more angry than i usually get.

i came home from dinner with my mom (for mom's day), just now. it started in the car. I started crying as i pulled into the driveway. i got it controlled and came inside.
and then it really started. out of control sobbing. i laid down on the bed and cried so hard. i can't remember crying so hard that it hurt me physically. i feel like i might throw up.

and this is why this anger scares me. whenever i'm alone, and sometimes in public, the anger boils up, and i feel so out of control, that i just start crying.
i'm angry that the boy hasn't called.
i'm angry that my dad isn't here.
i'm angry that noone made a big deal out of me completing my student teaching.
i'm angry that my two best friends are moving to california.
i'm angry that i'm 27 and i'm completly alone.
i'm angry that i'm sick all the time.
i'm angry that my bestest friend lives a million miles away, and right when i really could use her love and hugs and talking and her smile, i can't get it.

i'm so angry that parents hurt kids so badly.

and i'm so angry that all of this anger has taken over me, and i can't control it.
i can't pray. i get out "oh, God," and then i just start crying.
i can't hear God in all of this, since i'm sobbing.

i feel like i'm so alone.