dear the no longer boy,

i have had all of it i can take.
when someone calls it is general niceness to call them back. the only exceptions are bill collectors and telemarketers.
it is also general niceness to return someone's e-mail. the only exceptions are e-mails that obviously don't require a return and spam.
i am not a bill collector. i am not a spammer.
i am a girl, who happens to have really liked being with you, kissing you, playing games with you, and eating ice cream with you. i liked your stories, your jokes and your tallness.
but, when you don't call me back, or reply to my e-mails, i don't know what to think.
so, unless you have some sort of amazing reason for completley ignoring me, i can't take it anymore.
i am removing your title of the boy. you are now the ex-boy.

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mad science

today i visited a new doctor. he was recommended to me by a friend who also has pcos. pcos, for those who don't know, is poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. since it's not a 'disease' it is only identified by it's symptoms, which include absence of periods, being overweight, hairy arms and face, lack of energy and cysts on the ovaries. i have all of these. i carry my weight like a man (around my waist), i've got a nice (but not very noticeable) 'stache and i've only had one period on my own in the past 11 years.
every doctor i've ever gone to has told me that i don't have pcos because i lack the one large identifying factor: cysts on my ovaries. so, all they have tried to do is to get me menstruating. they have been trying to solve the result, not the leading up reasons.

anyways, this is all to say, i went to a new doctor; a mad scientist.
he took one look at me and asked if i was an athelete. i told him i swam in high school and i was pretty active, but since i had such a lack of energy, it was difficult. he started telling me about how i could have been great, i could have been an amazing. appaently, the same hormone that is making it nearly impossible for me to lose weight (and is producing testosterone) helps one to grow great muscles and strong bones. that is why my legs are so ripped; they get a workout all the time!
so, he put me on a strict diet (no white sugar or flour, high fiber etc...) and gave me a script for metformin (glucophage). it will eat up all the extra insulin that is running around my body wreaking havoc.
it's been hard, since i love sugar sooooooo much. but he said that if i can stick with it, i could easily lose 100 lbs, get all my energy back, get off my psychiatric drugs and take back my life.

i started crying, because i haven't ever had a doctor take me seriously. i haven't ever had someone say, "it's not your fault." i do know i have to be responsible for making the change, but i also know that it is possible. i'm not doomed to a life dictated by my weight and my stress and my lack of energy and my paralyzing depression.

this may be the happiest i've been in ages.
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boulder

i've realized something that could potentially be a problem.

when i get stoned, my head keps thinking logically, as it should. i feel great (there really is nothing like being stoned), but i'm still thinking "oh, i've got to set the alarm," and "i shouldn't go for a walk because it's 11:30 at night."
i'm sure this is a good thing, but i wonder if it means that i'll never be able to truly let go.
no matter what, will i always think about the logical logistical-ness of everything?

crap.
still, nothing tastes as good as food when one is stoned.
it doesn't matter what kind of food, just food in general is so darn tasty. tonight it was popcorn, thin mints, hot buttered rum, pretzels with ranch dresing and iced tea.

lately, since my appetite has been so seriously lacking, i find that i really eat when i'm a bit stoned. and the next morning i always wake up really hungry, which is a great way to start the day.

i haven't been able to eat much lately, mainly because my stomach can't handle it, so i don't eat, because i know it will make me sick.
why is it that everything i eat makes me sick? that i wish i could answer.

but somehow, when the stoned-ness takes over, i can just eat and eat and eat. i guess that part of my logical brain shuts off.
so you won't find me stoned, eating a bag of pretzels AND wandering through the neighborhood at 11:30pm.

i'll keep my silliness in my own house.

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