mistake

i woke up at 3:45am yesterday. totally awake. straight up in bed.
i played a round of solitaire, but that only woke me up even more. i decided i would go in and watch a movie or two and knit.
i watched Panic and Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. both were very good and made me think.
ended up falling asleep between 8 and 9am.
slept the whole day, right through to 5pm. missed my psych appointment. yikers.
got up, ate something although i wasn't hungry. just listless. stupid jet lag.
watched some tv and knitted some more.
took a vicodin for my back and leg, which have started to hurt from sitting up for 25 plus hours continuously. the pain never happens right after; it's on some sort of delay.
now it's 4am. i've taken a sonata to help me sleep. set the alarm for noon.

today was a big bunch of nothing. it felt good, but it also felt pretty miserable.
there is so much TO do, and i've done none of it.
the next boy called around noon, but i was asleep.
he's going to the sleep center tonight so i didn't call him, since i knew he'd be busy. also, though, i'm avoiding the conversation. i don't know what to say.

went out to okcupid and looked around.
surprised myself.
how can i look around when the smell from the dead body of the relationship hasn't even begun, since the relationship isn't dead?
i'm being so immature by not dealing with it.
i think it might be that all along i knew it wasn't right. i knew it wasn't good.
still i ignored it. and now that it is over, i hate to admit i was wrong to stick with it.

the next boy wants to stay friends, but i don't know if i can, in all good faith.
i'm not happy with how he is handling the break-up (like i'm one to talk); which leads me to have very little respect for him. and i'm not sure we've got enough in common to maintain a friendship.

of course, i did sleep with him. that has to mean something?
but sleeping with him was a mistake. of course, i can see that now.
going beyond a first date was a mistake.
talking to him again after the initial ooky-feeling conversation was a mistake.

you know what i want?

someone who doesn't feel ooky.
someone who won't feel like a giant mistake.
someone who listens and respects.

someone who understands.
or at least wants to try to.

--

compromise?

strange but expected e-mail from the next boy.
sounds like he wants to break up - doesn't think our lives are similar enough. feels dominated by me: most guys do. thinks our lives are too different, different goals - which they probably are.
and honestly, there is so much about him i have to sort of 'pretend' to ignore. i feel like i shouldn't have to do that. but also, maybe that's what a relationship is about - compromise, accepting, forgiving.
but at what point do you realize that too much is too much? at what point are you having to compromise/accept/forgive so much that you aren't even sticking to what you believe?

went to the new teacher orientation this morning. interesting at points, but mostly the big wigs talking at us - theories, history, blah blah blah.
did the laundry, puttered around the house.

had dinner with mom and gave her the gifts i brought.
home to veg in front of the TV.
checked e-mail - got the next boy's.
he had no excuse for not calling or e-mailing while i was gone. said he texted, but my phone didn't work there, although it should have saved them. who knows.
sad to think i gave it all up, again, for nothing at all.
upset that the relationship is over, because it's always nice to have someone to hold.
ultimately glad because somehow knew it wasn't meant to last. wasn't even meant to last as long as it did!
we are both broken people, but i'm trying to fix myself, and not break anymore.
he's still caught in denial/ignorance/oblivion. of course, it's easy to sit here and say that about him. he probably thinks the same sorts of things about me that aren't right or true.
spoke with gabe for about 1/2 an hour. she sounded ok. i worry, but i know she'll be alright.
i do miss her tons and i suppose i miss being on holiday, but it is good to be back in my own comfy bed with my torte.
even if it is a bit lonely...

--

the rest of my life

i've started keeping a journal that i write in every night.
the plan is that on some sort of regular basis, i'll post them here.

so this post covers the gap between 8 July 2005 and 25 august 2005.

the posts from 7 august 2005 to 24 august 2005 can be found in the travel blog for New Zealand. (it's not live yet. soon.)

now it's time for the rest of my life. so to speak.

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