dear God,

today was the crappiest day of them all.

normally, on a bad day, i can make it home, and get parked in the driveway before i start crying.
today i barely made it into the staff room.

i tell you this because i know you love me. and i so much need you to look out for me.

today a student assaulted me. i'm ok, no physical harm. just wrist grabbing, no bruises, no cuts.

i'm just so tired. i'm tired of the fighting, tired of the insults, of the disrespect, of the complete lack of any respect for the school, the staff, for other students.

after the incident, when i just made it into the staff room before completely breaking down, i cried so hard. i haven't cried like that in a long time. i tried to calm myself down by talking to you, which normally does the trick.

i couldn't even get past "oh God."

even right now, i'm getting all weepy, just thinking about it.
and i'm so worried about going back tomorrow.
the kid is suspended for two days, so he won't be back until monday.

but i just don't even know how i feel about the school at all anymore.

the upside: within 30 minutes of the incident, the student was out of the building, he had been suspended, i had processed with my boss and people had checked in on me. i was very well cared for.

and it's not like i'm scared. it's just...
i've got a fucking master's degree.
i'm one of the best fucking teachers i know (and other teachers agree), and instead of teaching, i'm managing behavior.
i'm listening to students make fun of me, and tell me i'm worthless all day.

i just don't know.
some guidance would be so helpful.

some love would be nice.

a warm hand on my shoulder, anything God, just anything...

i can't stand feeling alone in this.


--

mistake

i woke up at 3:45am yesterday. totally awake. straight up in bed.
i played a round of solitaire, but that only woke me up even more. i decided i would go in and watch a movie or two and knit.
i watched Panic and Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. both were very good and made me think.
ended up falling asleep between 8 and 9am.
slept the whole day, right through to 5pm. missed my psych appointment. yikers.
got up, ate something although i wasn't hungry. just listless. stupid jet lag.
watched some tv and knitted some more.
took a vicodin for my back and leg, which have started to hurt from sitting up for 25 plus hours continuously. the pain never happens right after; it's on some sort of delay.
now it's 4am. i've taken a sonata to help me sleep. set the alarm for noon.

today was a big bunch of nothing. it felt good, but it also felt pretty miserable.
there is so much TO do, and i've done none of it.
the next boy called around noon, but i was asleep.
he's going to the sleep center tonight so i didn't call him, since i knew he'd be busy. also, though, i'm avoiding the conversation. i don't know what to say.

went out to okcupid and looked around.
surprised myself.
how can i look around when the smell from the dead body of the relationship hasn't even begun, since the relationship isn't dead?
i'm being so immature by not dealing with it.
i think it might be that all along i knew it wasn't right. i knew it wasn't good.
still i ignored it. and now that it is over, i hate to admit i was wrong to stick with it.

the next boy wants to stay friends, but i don't know if i can, in all good faith.
i'm not happy with how he is handling the break-up (like i'm one to talk); which leads me to have very little respect for him. and i'm not sure we've got enough in common to maintain a friendship.

of course, i did sleep with him. that has to mean something?
but sleeping with him was a mistake. of course, i can see that now.
going beyond a first date was a mistake.
talking to him again after the initial ooky-feeling conversation was a mistake.

you know what i want?

someone who doesn't feel ooky.
someone who won't feel like a giant mistake.
someone who listens and respects.

someone who understands.
or at least wants to try to.

--

compromise?

strange but expected e-mail from the next boy.
sounds like he wants to break up - doesn't think our lives are similar enough. feels dominated by me: most guys do. thinks our lives are too different, different goals - which they probably are.
and honestly, there is so much about him i have to sort of 'pretend' to ignore. i feel like i shouldn't have to do that. but also, maybe that's what a relationship is about - compromise, accepting, forgiving.
but at what point do you realize that too much is too much? at what point are you having to compromise/accept/forgive so much that you aren't even sticking to what you believe?

went to the new teacher orientation this morning. interesting at points, but mostly the big wigs talking at us - theories, history, blah blah blah.
did the laundry, puttered around the house.

had dinner with mom and gave her the gifts i brought.
home to veg in front of the TV.
checked e-mail - got the next boy's.
he had no excuse for not calling or e-mailing while i was gone. said he texted, but my phone didn't work there, although it should have saved them. who knows.
sad to think i gave it all up, again, for nothing at all.
upset that the relationship is over, because it's always nice to have someone to hold.
ultimately glad because somehow knew it wasn't meant to last. wasn't even meant to last as long as it did!
we are both broken people, but i'm trying to fix myself, and not break anymore.
he's still caught in denial/ignorance/oblivion. of course, it's easy to sit here and say that about him. he probably thinks the same sorts of things about me that aren't right or true.
spoke with gabe for about 1/2 an hour. she sounded ok. i worry, but i know she'll be alright.
i do miss her tons and i suppose i miss being on holiday, but it is good to be back in my own comfy bed with my torte.
even if it is a bit lonely...

--

the rest of my life

i've started keeping a journal that i write in every night.
the plan is that on some sort of regular basis, i'll post them here.

so this post covers the gap between 8 July 2005 and 25 august 2005.

the posts from 7 august 2005 to 24 august 2005 can be found in the travel blog for New Zealand. (it's not live yet. soon.)

now it's time for the rest of my life. so to speak.

--

should

i should be going over the material for the fucking largest test of my graduate school career.

instead, i called air new zealand to see about getting a seat assignment for my trip. it's convoluted as to how it got to that point, but my united flights were changed, and i was messing with the air new zealand itinerary to reflect that, and i remembered how the best boy friend said i should call and get the best seat on the plane. early. like when i got my ticket, not a month before i was leaving.

oh well.
could have, should have, would have.

so i called. and listened to muzak.
it was interesting muzak. i was singing along.

then, the most beautiful voice answered the phone.

a man. in auckland. with a definate kiwi accent.

i am still melting into a small pool of vaginal secretions.

i asked about getting my seat, but because they are switching planes around, and they don't know which one i'll be on, they can't do it at the moment. but he took my request for an aisle, in the front, with a bed (which was a joke... they don't really have seats with beds in steerage, which is where i am for $866usd round trip.)

then he asked if i wanted a special meal. i asked for vegetarian, since i don't like airline meat. with dairy though.

he asked if i needed anything else, and i asked if he was in new zealand right now, which i knew he had to be with such an amazingly sexy accent. he said he was in auckland. i asked about the most simple thing, the one that concerns me most, the weather.
"it's gorgeous today, the sun finally came out and it's about 21, which is good because there is a rugby game tonight, a big one, and i'm going to be there."

heaven.

i let him know it was about 29 today, but the humidity had finally broken, for a bit. i felt so smart that i was able to say it in celsius... my practice in the car has finally paid off! take that mom!

we chit chatted about other things, but i wasn't paying too much attention to anything but the melody of his voice.

i said goodbye and thanked him, and then my phone got all staticky, and he said something, but i couldn't understand it, and i'm sure it was something uniquely kiwi, and i missed it. but that's ok. i have his voice to carry me to bed tonight.

i think i'm going to get into big trouble in new zealand. if they all sound like that, i'm never going to want to leave, and i'm going to be dripping all the time.

perhaps my love is waiting for me there.

perhaps.

--

homecoming

this is normally the time when i would stand up here and say something moving and inspirational about bringing our children home from an amazing week of service and spiritual development.
but, to be honest, i can't say that.
this year was different.
i had nothing to do with bringing our children home from an amazing week of service and spiritual development.
while these fantastic young and not-so-young people were working hard in the hot sun - i was swimming.
while they were getting up at 6am to go to work - i was sleeping in and having brunch.

all week, i have felt conspicuously out of the loop.

only once was my advice sought on a "disciplinary" matter.
i wasn't bombarded by interesting stories and God sightings so much that my dinner hour was actually 3 hours long.
i wasn't listening in on their spiritual growth during the evening devotions.
i wasn't laughing so hard that i couldn't eat or drink for fear it would come out my nose.

until wednesday.

i went to reading, pa to visit the group. there was no way i was going to miss out on this experience entirely.

i was not even a minute out of the car when i was attacked by all of them. we ended up on the grass, in a pile up, laughing.

and then, in all its wonderful glory, it started.

kyla, today my resident...
kyla, guess what, i learned how to...
kyla, last night during devotions...
kyla, yesterday, sam did THE funniest thing...

kyla, this is more fun than i thought. i'm having such a great time. thank you.

it continued like this for the entire 6 hours i was there. i was bombarded by their stories, careful of what i ate, watchful of their spiritual discussions. they didn't need me to be there, because i was already there. the adults were more than ready for the task they had undertaken. i had done my job, and now it was their turn to do theirs. and it was perfectly carried out.

so, my dear dear family, i have seen to it that our children have come home safely.
they have learned amazing things.
they have grown in their faith.
they have become friends, and made new friends.
and, most importantly, they have completed what they set out to do, no matter what was thrown in front of them.


--

not yet

there has been no breakup.

there, in fact, will be a museum outing and a sleepover tomorrow.

we're trying to branch out from the dinner, a movie and making out we usually have.

we'll have to see how it goes. i plan on having the one-month talk.
at this point, i'm leaning towards the idea of giving him the title of boyfriend. i haven't decided if the annoyances are little enough to eventually overlook.

things that i initially didn't like have been further explained. i understand them now, better, at least.

i'm willing to give it a shot. i still just don't know.
my psychiatrist asked me if he challenged me. i had to think about it, and i realized he did, but in a way i've never really been challenged. which, in and of itself is a challenge.
i'm learning to hold my tongue, and not be so nit-picky and to accept people where they are, and all the while, put the brakes on my immense sexual attraction.

in my head though, and maybe in my heart, i keep thinking, it's not him. walk away. run away.

but sometimes i wonder... maybe this IS him. maybe this is what God wants for me. someone who needs my help, someone who needs my compassion, my love of life and Jesus, someone to work on and with, who will also make me a better person. i'm far from perfect, and have lots of skeletons in my closet, i'm just not as open with them. maybe this is a lesson, an experience i have to go through. maybe i'll come out on the other side and realize what its purpose was.

or maybe i should run.

either way, it's not over yet.

--

the wedding

the getting married friends got married.

now they are the married friends.

i wasn't sure what we'd be walking into, but from the moment i saw the wife and the husband i knew everything was ok.
they were glowing. they were genuinely happy. they might have been tiredm they might have been ready to get rid of their parents, but you could see how much they loved each other and how ready they were to begin their life as husband and wife.

there were tears when i saw them. there were tears during the speech i made at the rehearsal dinner. there were tears at the wedding. there were tears during the receiving line. there were tears at the first dance. there were tears when we had to leave.

altogether though, i kept it together pretty well. it could be because we left at 4am on friday, and we were home by 4am sunday. that's right. 48 hours, and 20 of it driving.
i may very well have been exhausted. although i didn't feel it, i suppose because i was so happy and excited and joyous and ready.

and the best friend and i talked much about the next boy. i had decided it was time to end it. i had decided it wasn't worth it to have to process all the dirty laundry i had learned about. i had decided that there wasn't any way i'd ever be able to accept it and not look at him weirdly and not be able to respect him.

i'm not sure how i will end it. we're coming to the end of our one month trial period. i would like to stay friends. i think it's more for him, since he has very few friends.
he needs to figure out who he is, where he's going in the world and that he is worthy of every bit of anything the world gives him.
i also look towards next year. he's finishing school, and working full-time. i'm starting my first year of teaching, and potentially still working at the church. there just won't be time.

and then, of course, there is his laugh, which is loud and annoying. and when i'm "loud," which isn't loud at all, he tells me to be quiet. like HE should be telling ME about being quiet, when he's loud all the time!

and one cannot forget the orgasms. which are simply wonderful. his is a very caring and dedicated lover, which is sort of a new thing to me. i've had plenty of lovers who have been concerned about my pleasure, but not to his level of concern. and he's good at it.

but the best friend does say that a relationship built on that won't last. it has to be good everywhere, not just the bedroom, or the kitchen, or the living room, or wherever it happens.

we'll have to see how it all works out.

--